the problem with perfect: real is messy

I want to be perfect.

perfect: being entirely without fault or defect, flawless

perfect: satisfying all requirements

perfect: corresponding to an ideal standard or abstract concept

Needless to say, it’s not going very well. In fact, this has been a lifelong struggle that looks uglier on some days than others.

However…

Today, if only for a few moments, I chose to believe that not being perfect is okay.

Today was the first day of the last week of my job. Which means I had to say goodbye to clients – people who have let me into their homes and their hearts over the past 2 1/2 months (I know, I didn’t last very long at the job.. but that’s an entirely different story).

As I was driving from one home to another, I started replaying my “goodbye speech” in my head. I questioned whether or not I had been professional enough, maintained tight enough boundaries, explained the situation clearly enough, encouraged the clients enough, etc.

I guess what it came down to was wanting to know if I had said goodbye perfectly. And what would a perfect goodbye look like? Probably not like mine.  I pictured it in my head: someone calm and collected, someone who could say everything I had said without blinking or missing a beat, someone who could make it sounds like their departure was the perfect bittersweet event, someone who didn’t want to cry or hug the clients, someone who could walk out with the same emotions they walked in with.

And at first, I felt bad for not having said goodbye perfectly. Will I ever be good at this? Am I ever going to grow up? I guess this job really wasn’t for me? Why can’t I just be more professional? perfect? But then it hit me that that’s not real life. If I can say goodbye like that, perfectly, something isn’t right. I’m not saying I should sob on a clients shoulder. I didn’t. And I wouldn’t. But to not have any emotions at all is also a problem.

Relationships, whether they are between a brother and a sister, a husband and a wife, or a worker and a client,  are not smooth and simple. People are broken; relationships are hard, challenging, and messy. That’s life. The knot in my stomach, the incomplete sentences, and the sad smile.. they weren’t perfect, but they were real, because I really care about those clients. I’m pretty sure I can’t be real and perfect. And that’s okay, because at least for today, for this week, I’m choosing real.

2029 Critical Errors

Every time I turn my computer on, in the bottom right-hand corner, this message pops up.

Every single time. Every single day. And you know what I do every single time, every single day? I ignore it.

2029 Critical Errors. And until those errors keep me from doing what I need to, I don’t really care. Yeah, if I figured out what they were and dealt with them, my computer would probably work a whole lot better and maybe last a whole lot longer. However, in the moment, that never really seems too important or pressing. I have too much to do and other things to focus on.

The other day I actually read that little message box and thought about it for a second. It hit me that a lot of times, this is the story of my life: days filled with a bajillion error messages, warning signals, and caution signs that I’m just too busy to listen to or even acknowledge.

Of course the warnings in my daily life aren’t usually spelled out so plainly, but a lot of times there is still clear evidence that something isn’t right. The sore shins from running too fast in anger and frustration. The lack of motivation to get out of bed and go to church. The stomachache that comes after emotional eating. The sense of dread on the way to work. The inability to sleep due to an ever turning mind. The extreme disappointment over an A-. The unkind words spoken to a friend. The harsh tone used with a stranger. And the list goes on.

I suppose the warnings probably vary from day to day or person to person, but I think they’re always there. Life doesn’t usually “fall apart” all at once. It’s one bad choice at a time, little lies, ignored advice, and things that just don’t seem like a big deal in the midst of stress and busyness. It’s hard to be intentional in the small things. I don’t always like to address the yucky parts of my life, listen to the pain, process my feelings, and deliberately seek Christ. But I’m pretty sure it’s always worth it.

Flu thoughts

Yep, you read that right. I have the flu.. like influenza, blowing chunks, barfing flu. Okay, that’s gross. And I’m not even that sick. I’m just nauseous, have a headache, and am surviving off of crackers, Gatorade, and toast. But, it got me thinking about a few things..

1. I’m still bad a resting, good at wasting time. I stayed home from work today, of course. However, instead of being a normal sick person and enjoying the chance to rest, I got stressed out about how I’ll have to make up todays missed appointments and how I should be grading papers, writing letters, or reading one of the many books on my list with my extra time at home. That doesn’t even make sense… and thankfully my exhausted body won out and I slept all afternoon, but seriously – He grants sleep to those he loves (Psalm 127:2). Why can’t I just enjoy it? Bahh.
2. Okay, so you know how when you’re sick you can just feel your stomach digesting… or whatever it’s doing (my medical expertise stems primarily from my hypochondria-induced WebMD marathons, which have yet to include Influenza Insights or Digestion 101). It’s almost like someone inside of you is trying to make a tossed salad out of all the Gatorade and saltines. Annoying, weird, and sometimes kind of painful. Anyway, that’s kind of how my life feels right now: like tossed salad in the making. My job situation feels a little bit like a reality TV show, my financial plan is being messed up due to my falling apart car, my friendships are a funny mix between fabulous and nonexistent, and in the midst of it all I’m longing for vision, focus, purpose. And sometimes, I forget that my focus needs to be Christ (more on this later). He’s enough, more than enough. And he can take my Gatorade and crackers, or lettuce and tomatoes, or whatever is going on in my life (yeah, this metaphor needs to stop like.. five sentences ago) and turn it into something beautiful. Brokenness + Christ = Beauty. Always – - even when the process doesn’t feel so great.
3. Every time I’m sick or hurting – whether it be a headache, the flu, or a sore toe – I tell myself I’m going to appreciate my normal state of health more. And every time, almost as soon as I’m better, I forget. Unfortunately, I think this problem extends beyond just forgetting to enjoy good health. How many things do we just straight up forget to be grateful for? Even worse, how often do we complain for the things we should be giving thanks for? Fussing about a bad parking spot instead of rejoicing that we can walk. Getting tired of living paycheck to paycheck instead of being grateful for a job and roof over our heads. Being irritated with the faults of the people in our lives instead of praising Jesus for His grace and mercy towards us and them. Whining about earthly trials instead of remembering that we have a heavenly home. We are SO blessed! I am SO blessed! And the Blessing-Giver makes it pretty clear: In everything give thanks (1 Thess 5:18). Yeah, it’s hard sometimes. But not usually as hard as we make it.

say what?!

Wednesday was a good day. A really good day.

Between 3:30pm and 6:00pm…

• I left work a little bit early.
• The sun was shining.
• The song I wanted to buy on iTunes was only 69 cents!!!
• When I went to get gas, a spot opened up the second I pulled into the parking lot.
• I received some random good news.
• I had time for a run in the snow.
• On my way home from running, the sky was purple <3
• I thought my final undergrad GPA was 3.9392.. putting me .0008 away from Summa Cum Laude. I got an email saying it was actually 3.9407. Score.

I was praising Jesus for all of this when I caught myself thinking about my morning devotions. My thought process went something like this: Wow, it’s been a really great day… How long were my devotions this morning? Not very. Gosh, I wonder why it was such a good day then.

WHAT?!!?!

But wait a second, because it gets more ridiculous and disturbing. After realizing that I was trying to incorrectly connect good works to a good day, my next thought was: Jesus really does just LOVE me : ) I wonder why he decided to be so nice to me today.

WHAT?!!?!

Don’t worry, I was raised in the church. I’m fully aware that both of those thoughts are completely theologically unsound. In my head, that is. But sometimes, my heart gets confused.

Sometimes my heart thinks that I must earn the Lord’s favor when reality is I couldn’t earn it if I tried.

If we are not faithful, God will still be faithful, because he cannot be false to himself. 2 Timothy 2:13”

 For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. Ephesians 2:8-9

Sometimes my heart thinks that Jesus isn’t always nice. That I have to control and manipulate to keep things okay. That not all things work together for my good after all. But they do.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. James 1:17

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you. Psalm 32:8

Oh how much I have to learn. And then learn again. And again. And again.

How good it is to be loved by a God of “undeserved grace” (Acts 15:11) and “unlimited patience” (1 Timothy 1:16).

Bad at resting, good at wasting time

I often find that it is so hard for me to rest, to intentionally set aside time to relax. Unhurried lingerings in devotions, reflection, or even just being are so rarely a part of my daily agenda. It seems that the second I take a moment to rest, I get overwhelmed with the 456,438 things I’ve been meaning to get done, and I simply can’t sit still. After all, I’ll focus better and more fully enjoy my rest when I don’t have an eleven page to-do list. Right?

Well, I guess I don’t know.. because I’ve always had an eleven page to-do list. I need to clean out my closet, respond to Facebook messages, go for a run, text three people back, catch up on work stuff, send 17 emails, make a budget, follow that budget, finish my orphanage journal, scrapbook the last 22 years of my life (yes, that’s all of them), vacuum my car, learn how to pray, get my grandma a Christmas present, do laundry, and the list goes on.. And on.. And on..

But somehow – though you’d never know it by looking at my inbox full of messages awaiting reply – I logged into my Facebook at least twenty times yesterday. Yep, I checked my web history.. and I feel a bit disgusted with myself. Everything inside of me is trying to justify that right now. I was surely only on for a few minutes each time. I probably miscounted, maybe it was less. Maybe I accidentally logged in once or twice.

Yuck. Twenty times and I couldn’t set aside just thirty minutes to be still? To breathe, To refresh, to ponder? I wish I could say yesterday was a strange day, that I never check my Facebook that often. But I probably do. Buuuut, I’m done, because that’s ridiculous. [What am I “checking” for anyway? gossip material? proof that my life is or isn’t better than anyone else’s? another message I won’t respond to for a week or month? I’m not really sure.. but I’m sure it’s not a good use of my time or mind.] I’ll continue to use Facebook; it definitely serves a purpose. I just don’t want it to take over my life.

Side note: this is also further proof that I should not have a smartphone. . Facebook at my fingertips 24/7? Not good. No, I’m not hating on smartphones. But no, I should absolutely not have one personally. Though I wouldn’t mind having a phone with working buttons.. if anyone with a fancy smartphone has an old, fancy, not so smart phone they want to give me. I have Verizon. Donations are welcome.

Aaand now I’m just rambling (and shamelessly begging?). But let’s be real. How often do we have time for Facebook, but not rest? Twitter and Pinterest, but not Jesus? Texting and television, but not people?

I want to learn how to rest. I want to choose Jesus, and people, and life to the full (John 10:10). I’ll have to fight for it, of that I’m sure. But I’m also sure that it will be worth it.

“One of the great uses of Twitter and Facebook will be to prove at the Last Day that prayerlessness was not from lack of time.” -John Piper

As for you, follow me

“As for you, follow me.” -John 21:22

If you’re reading this, these should be the words in your URL bar. However, they’re a lot more than that.

I spent some time today reading John 21 and thinking about the verses surrounding this one. This chapter begins with Jesus appearing to his disciples for the third time after his resurrection. They’re out fishing on the Sea of Galilee, and after filling their net with fish, Jesus calls them to shore to have breakfast with him. What happens after breakfast is a familiar story: Jesus asks Peter not once, not twice, but THREE times if Peter loves him. And Peter reaffirms his love for Jesus each time. Finally, after the third time, Jesus says, “Then feed my sheep.” He goes on to explain to Peter, “by what kind of death he would glorify God” and then tells him, “Follow me.” …Love me, serve me, die for me… come, follow me. Weird transitions, huh? And Peter hesitates too. In fact, he turns and points at John asking, “What about him, Lord?” But Jesus simply replied, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? As for you, follow me.”

This conversation between Peter and Jesus makes me think of another verse in John where Jesus says, “If you love me, you will obey what I command” (John 14:15). So often it’s easy to compartmentalize my love for the Lord. But sometimes, just like Jesus asked Peter, I need to ask myself if I love Jesus. And if I say I do, I better be willing to follow Him. Regardless of where he takes me. Regardless of what those around me are doing.

These five words from John 21 first stood out to me a few years ago, when I was thinking about taking a year off school to “do something different.” At the time, one of my biggest fears was a year away from normal. I didn’t want normal to go on without me, because I was afraid that normal would forget me. I was okay with serving Jesus in another country.. but not until after graduation. After my friends all had to move away too. After normal wasn’t so thrilling and fun. However, as is so often the case, the Lord had something else in mind. And this verse so clearly reflected and reinforced Christ’s call to my own heart. A year off it was: a year in Peru. I left normal, my friends, and my family behind, and I followed Him. And… it was awesome. Although it was not all fun and games, “as for you, follow me” often felt more like “as for you, follow me and come have the experience of a lifetime.”

As I’ve expressed before, being back from that has been hard – a lot harder than the decision to go. Sometimes being in the United States, missing those precious Peruvian kids, just doesn’t really feel so great. I mean, in some ways I’m sure I see the orphanage with rose-colored glasses, but at the same time, it was awesome and super meaningful. Anyway, the other day, the Lord reminded me of these words. “As for you follow me.” He didn’t remind me of Peru and congratulate me for following him there. And He didn’t call me to follow Him back to Peru, or to Ireland, Ethiopia, Thailand, New Zealand, Argentina, or any of the other places I want to go. Nope, He called me to follow Him here, to be content where I’m at, to serve Him. That “I’m probably going to live in Indiana, work forty hours a week..” thing is reality. And His call has been every bit as real as His call to Peru, even though sometimes the seemingly mundane is harder to believe than the seemingly crazy.

Funny, isn’t it? When I wanted to stay in Indiana He called me to Peru, and when I want to go back to Peru, he calls me to Indiana. But I know that He knows best. And since He’s called me to Indiana, Indiana is where I need to be. Yes, sometimes I go kicking and screaming, but as for me, I’ll follow him.

my selfish heart

I’ve come to the conclusion that I have too many belongings. Actually, if I’m being honest, I figured that out years ago… I just haven’t done anything about it. However, I’ve really been convicted about my overabundance of “stuff” lately, so here’s the plan: from Thanksgiving to Christmas, I’m going to get rid of five things a day and not buy anything new. I’ll donate the things that are in good condition, and other things I probably just need to throw away (I’m entirely too sentimental and therefore have a plethora of what is essentially trash in my closet).

I was super excited about this for the few days leading up to Thanksgiving, but I was surprised at how hard it was to just take some books of the shelf and put them in the giveaway pile. And these are books I’ve only read once.. and owned for years. Ridiculous, I know. And that’s why they just have to go.

My materialism is an outward representation of a selfish heart. Poverty in the U.S. is the highest it’s been since 1993 (U.S. Census Bureau). Around the world, there are 29,000 children under the age of 5 who die every day, many from preventable causes  (UNICEF). How do I justify my hundreds of belongings? How can I choose to spend $20 for a pair of jeans I don’t need because it’s just “such a good deal” when there are children going to bed hungry? N0t cool. Not okay.

I think Scripture makes that pretty clear…

1 Timothy 6:6-7 “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it.”

Luke 12:33-34 “Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

Anywho, I’m blogging about this for two reasons:

1. Accountability- I don’t want to quit halfway through or cheat by buying something that’s on clearance and calling my name. I don’t expect people to actually ask me if I’m sticking with it.. but I will write about it again when I’m done.

2. You should join me – Maybe not in the exact same way, but seriously.. you probably have too much stuff. Books you don’t read, clothes you don’t wear, CDs that you never listen to. Get rid of them! Please?

“The war against materialism in our hearts is exactly that: a war. It is a constant battle to resist the temptation to have more luxuries, to acquire more stuff, and to live more comfortably.” –David Platt, Radical

(for reasons entirely unrelated…) #aprilmaequintana.is.awesome

5 months later…

I suppose this is really overdue, as I’ve been back in the states for more than five months. I’m amazed at how quickly it’s gone.. and how much I still miss those precious kids. I think I’ve finally adjusted, but it was rough at first. Somehow, in the back of my mind, I’m pretty sure I thought I would be immune to reverse culture shock. I wasn’t.

Summer was hard, having an office job was hard, only speaking English was hard, going back to school was hard, living with 30 other college girls was hard, and the list goes on. I must say, I am SO grateful to the people who put up with me for those first few weeks/months and still love me! …If I’m being honest I’m sure I was not easy to love.

Like I said, I still miss the orphanage a lot. And I’m still considering returning. Not to the orphanage necessarily, but to Peru. I wanted to go back and teach English to support myself, volunteering at the orphanage or other organizations in my free time. However, I’ve decided that probably wouldn’t be ideal. If I go back, I want to either save the money or raise support so that I can do ministry full time. Which probably means that returning to Peru is not a right now thing. Instead I’m probably going to live in Indiana, work forty hours a week at a “normal people” job, speak lots of English, and seek to serve Jesus where I’m at. Pray for me, if you would, because it won’t be easy.

All of this has been hard to process, and I’m not sure how much actual processing I’ve done. I suppose I need to surrender more than I need to process. I worry more than I should. I’m more selfish than I realize. And, I guess I’m still not easy to love a lot of times. It seems that as soon as I think I’ve learned my lesson, there I am, needing to learn it once again. Such is the life of a sinner… and I’m so glad that He who began a good work in me will carry it to completion.

go forward, go backward
avoid, embrace
yes, no
up, down
hustle, bustle
BAM.
done, broken, tired
bleeding, aching, dying
BAND-AID!
and back to work:
planning, calling, sending
listening, trying, vying,
manipulating, crying, dying
hanging on by a thread tied to
nothing
all the while in the hand of the One who
loves, knows, cares, rules
conquered, sacrificed, pursued
grasping the thread tied to nothing,
standing in the hand of Everything
and why oh why don’t I lay down that nothing
that I might rest in the Everything?

O Praise Him <3

First of all I feel the need to acknowledge the fact that almost 2 months have past and I haven’t written a thing. So much for getting that habit down..

Anyway, today was the day I’ve been dreading since July 2010. The day of my despedida (farewell party/program). I didn’t cry as much as I thought I would in the actual program but I definitely made up for it afterward. I’m going to miss these people sooooooo much. These beautiful, beautiful kids have completely stolen my heart. I love them more than I ever thought possible. Every single one of them. Not to mention how much I’ll miss the staff, volunteers, and other friends from this country – - each and every one of them is so dear to me.

After listening to the things said in my despedida and reading some of the sweet notes written to me I am completely in awe and so humbled. Despite my wretched sinfulness, the times I’ve yelled at the kids, the times I’ve shown errors in judgment, the times I’ve taken the selfish road, the times I’ve decided the right thing was “too hard”, the times I’ve been lazy, the times I’ve had bad motives, the times I’ve been judgmental, the times I’ve been a brat, the times I’ve not been willing to give, and the times I’ve gone back on my word GOD HAS USED ME. He has. In big ways. Writing that almost feels prideful or wrong or something… but it shouldn’t, and it isn’t, because the reality of it is that I can take credit for nothing. Oh trust me, part of me still wants to and tries to and thinks that maybe I’m not so sinful after all, but deep down I know. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is ONLY by the power of the LORD, by his GREAT mercy, and MIGHTY grace that I have had this opportunity to come here. I feel so incredibly blessed that he has chosen to use me, messy and sinful me, to show love to these wonderful, beautiful, precious children. And they have taught me more than I ever thought possible.

“O praise the One who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.”

the most beautiful peruvian children

Pedro, 5, playing with his "llanta". We have a bunch of extra tires and the kids are super creative in the games they play with them.

We moved the houses around so now the younger and older kids are divided. Here are three of the little guys (Alejandro, Jose Luis, and Jhon) with their lunch. They're a handful but super adorable!

Mi José Luis, 2 (almost 3!). This little guy is way too adorable. When I got here he hardly talked at all but he has come a long way and he even says (or more often, screams) my name "Wiiiiniiii" Love it.

Kristi and I with Esthefany, Lariza, and Isabel. We got to take them to a birthday party last weekend. Aren

JhamPier, 9, hanging out at Metro, a big Wal-Mart type store here.